By Rex Huppke/Chicago Tribune/TNS


I was perusing the Interwebs recently and came across an article titled “Seven morning habits to be happier at work.”
I assumed that habits one through six would be “don’t get out of bed” and No 7 would be “have doughnuts delivered to bed”. But as America’s most-dutiful workplace advice columnist, I decided I should check the article out and confirm my assumption.
Boy, was I off base.
The habits included “Wake up earlier” “Smile!” and “Living Wholeheartedly”. First off, I didn’t realise I was living halfheartedly. Second, what kind of nonsense is this?
Telling me to smile is bad enough, but including an exclamation point in the suggestion is just a good way to get punched, especially if it’s in the morning before I’ve had my bed-doughnuts delivered.
I hopped on Google to see if there were other lists of dangerously dumb work happiness tips or, as I call them, Workplace Ludicritips. I’m sad to report I found many.
There was the “Top 10 ways to be happy at work”, which included gems like “Choose to be Happy at Work”, “Make Friends” and “Avoid Negativity”.
The “12 ways to be happier at work in less than 10 minutes” suggested that we not answer the phone after the first ring (it adds “much-needed breathing space”) and do something called “monotasking”. It’s like multitasking only way less efficient.
One of my favourites, from “Five scientifically proven ways to be happier at work”, was “End your workday with a simple gratitude pause”.
Ugh. People who use terms like “gratitude pause” are usually the ones you get stuck sitting next to on a long flight, causing you to briefly considered parachuting your way to sanity.
Personally, I think the best way to be happy at work is to work hard and be nice to people. You can monotask or Smile! or practice meditative breathing techniques all you want, but some of that will lead you to overthink the whole work experience and drift away from the fundamentals.
Be a decent human being. I’ve said that over and over. I’ve even had magnets printed that carry that slogan. (E-mail me your address and I’ll send you one.)
I know every workplace is different and many get stuck in lousy situations where just being a decent human being doesn’t seem good enough. But I can guarantee you that making sure your own behaviour is decent will help you (and your co-workers) more than an end-of-the-day gratitude pause.
Still, the demand for Workplace Ludicritips seems to be high, so given my prominent role in the workplace infosphere, I figure I’d better contribute.
Here then are I Just Work Here’s “Five unscientifically proven ways to make you happier at work through tantric enjoyment enhancification”:
1) Frown! Yes, you read that correctly. Smiling is for dummies. Frowning, on the other hand, is a great way to encase yourself in a protective layer of gloom. Co-workers who see you will think you’re mad about something and won’t bother you. Bosses and managers will think you look grumpy and will pass their excess work off on someone who looks more approachable. Probably some idiot who’s smiling. Practitioners of long-term frowning are statistically more likely to enjoy their work, according to a study that I’m making up. So turn that smile upside down, define your frown space and watch your job satisfaction rise as the corners of your mouth fall.
2) Start your day with a household injury. One of the primary reasons people aren’t happy at work is because they ARE happy at home. To achieve workplace contentment, all you have to do is flip the script. If you engage in a simple knife, hot stove burner or coffee-in-the-lap injury each morning, home will begin to seem less enviable and work will, naturally, be perceived as a better, safer place to be. It’s simple logic, and all it takes are repeated acts of self-harm. Pretty soon you’ll be living at the office. Hopefully with a big frown on your face!
3) Punch a bear. It may sound farfetched, but pre-work bear-punching was commonplace during the Industrial Revolution, considered a great way to blow off steam and teach roving street bears what they get if they mess with humans. Granted, what most of the bears got was a morning meal of freshly showered human meat, but still, the practice was said to be quite therapeutic for those who survived. Roaming bears can be difficult to find these days, but acceptable alternatives include lions, telephone polls and yourself.
4) Engage in rampant negativity dousing. Any time you feel negative vibes coming from a boss or co-worker, just grab your officially licensed I Just Work Here Bucket o’ Positivity ($29.99 plus shipping, comes with a free magnet), fill it with water and douse the nattering nabob of negativity. Then watch as the negativity dissolves and you are asked to leave the building.
5) End each day with a simple “gratitude explosion”. Say a co-worker was kind enough to “borrow” your idea and present it as his own at the staff meeting. Release your gratitude on that person by taping firecrackers to his iPhone and setting it off in a trash can outside his cubicle. Or if someone finished the coffee in the break room and didn’t start a fresh pot, let her know your feelings by attaching her favourite coffee mug to a model rocket and launching it from the parking lot into the ocean. Taking just a moment to light a fuse and reflect on how grateful you are to detonate something that belongs to a person you dislike can make you truly appreciate your job. And if the person tries to punch you, don’t feel offended. He or she probably just thinks you’re a bear.

♦ Rex Huppke writes for the Chicago Tribune. Send him questions by e-mail at rhuppke@tribune.com or on Twitter @RexWorksHere