Would you describe yourself as a controlling person? If so, you will constantly monitor the habits and efforts of others. As a result of this behaviour, you’ll find that you’re angry a lot.
Any parent who has tried to get a teenager to clean her room or begged a spouse to stop working every weekend knows the pain of trying to control others.
One way to stop controlling and start getting better results is to empower others. Empowering instead of controlling is a sneaky way of manipulation. But, it leaves everybody feeling better.
Empowering means you give clear directions and encourage someone to make a contribution.
With a teenager, you might offer a reward for regular room cleaning. With a spouse, you might ask if he or she would like to join a hiking club with you on weekends. If so, maybe your mate will find a way to work more efficiently during the week and give up too much overtime.
“I used to call my employees into the conference room for a chewing out,” says a business owner we’ll call George. “Now, I feed them supportive language instead of hammering them with complaints.”
Controlling others requires that we examine their weaknesses. We don’t want their weaknesses to impact our lives in any way. However, by encouraging and empowering others to use their strengths, they can flex their muscles in a good way.
“When I reversed my strategies, I told my employees that I wanted to build teamwork and morale,” says George. “I decided to bring out the best in each person, so each employee would derive motivation from within - not from me.”
The following two techniques helped George get started:
l He asked each employee to make a list of his or her strengths. He told each person that he wanted to help them manage their jobs by those strengths.
lHe talked about positive language. George asked his managers to use more words of encouragement during the course of each workday. But, he told all employees to feel free to speak up or ask for help.
One of George’s employees, whom we’ll call Beth, told us the new plan for empowerment saved her sanity. Beth’s immediate boss was a tyrant, but she didn’t want to report him to George.
“Just picture Lou Grant on the old Mary Tyler Moore TV show,” says Beth. “Image someone crabbing and bossing you with a twisted up face for nine hours a day! I loved Lou Grant, but in real life, this boss doesn’t have Lou’s softer side.”
Beth goes on to say that the requirement to use kinder language and encouragement got through to her supervisor. He started calming down. He was forced to get himself under control.
Learning to identify with others’ feelings helps us stop controlling them. In fact, making other people extremely nervous is one way we do control them.
Todd, a hospital floor supervisor, says he empowers his employees by finding their strong points early on.
“I have a young male nurse who comes alive at night,” says Todd. “I tell him he’s my miracle employee on night shift. This guy keeps everything on track between midnight and 6am.
“This young guy catches mistakes, deals with patients who are demanding during the night, and calms everybody down,” Todd goes on to say.
“When you bring out the strengths of several people, you will build an arsenal of help one tiny step at a time,” he adds. “Once you learn to make this game work, you’ll find your own stress going down.”

- Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com  Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.