Do you struggle to make some of your relationships work? You may feel awkward or stressed in trying to form a bond.
In making an effort to create closeness with someone, you may have trouble developing a basic friendship.
If so, think about the activities you might enjoy with this person.
For example, if you feel awkward around your mother-in-law, try to change something.
Come up with a plan, so that both of you can share something fun or meaningful in life.
“I make it a point to ask my mother-in-law to go driving around with me on Sundays,” says a woman we’ll call Kim.“My mother-in-law absolutely loves cruising beautiful neighbourhoods, and so do I.”
Kim says she has never found any other ritual in common with her husband’s mother.
“We’ve tried shopping together, and that didn’t work,” laughs Kim.“We’ve tried taking walks, and we couldn’t think of anything to talk about. But, the Sunday afternoon cruising did it! We’ve bonded over the lovely houses.”
Whatever works is the way to go.
If your cousin comes to town once a year, find out the main activity that would please this person. Figure out a way to enjoy it yourself. This way, you can make a plan.
“My husband and I nearly divorced a year after we got married,” says a friend of ours we’ll call Jackie.“It felt like our common bond was slipping! We didn’t like the same movies, travel destinations or restaurants. I was panic stricken, thinking one of us needed to bail!”
Jackie finally came up with three things she enjoyed, which her spouse enjoys as well. They love to hike, camp and watch the news.
“I swear, our whole relationship hinges on these three things,” Jackie declares.“We literally keep our conversations on track by figuring out how to share what we actually have in common.”
Jackie and her hubby do OK. So far, they’ve hiked many hundreds of miles.
They’ve camped all over the country.
In addition, they discuss news headlines over dinner every night.
When you plan an activity with your child, neighbour or sibling, you create something for both of you to look forward to.
Having these kinds of experiences over time creates memories as well.
Dale, a divorced dad, once told us spending time with his own children felt awkward. He was worried his kids hated him. We advised Dale to let his two teenage sons make a list of activities they enjoy. Dale could then pick from the list what he finds appealing.
“We finally decided that watching baseball and trying new restaurants are our favourite activities together,” Dale told us recently.
An associate of ours, Carla, explains that good rituals and routines help with stepchildren as well. She couldn’t click with her new husband’s three teenagers for the first two months they were all together.
“I felt stress every time I opened my mouth,” says Carla.“I thought they were trying to sabotage me.”
She goes on to say that she asked each of the kids what they enjoyed most. All three like swimming and water sports.
“I had never tried a jet ski, but I bought us one,” says Carla.“It’s working! When we’re out there goofing off on the lake, we can kind of escape from the world. These kids are having a good time, and they’ve all told me they enjoy spending time at our house.”

- Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at (www.usawellnesscafe.com).

- Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.