Do not choose to go through life alone. It is too hard, and the real joy comes to you from watching those you love grow, play, pretend, argue and make up. I cannot convey in words the pain of loneliness and being without family. Let me just say that no one I know who lives that way enjoys it. You can put on a brave face, live nicely, and even become famous, but without the love, it’s hardly worth the journey.
Family doesn’t necessarily mean biological relatives. I was adopted, so it was only by accident that I met a few of my blood relatives. Because we didn’t grow up together, we are mostly Facebook friends and are not involved in each other’s lives, and for me, that doesn’t really cut it. That being said, I have just a few very dear friends who will be in my life till I take my last breath.
These relationships are family and then some. I have helped my friends when they needed me to, and they have done the same for me. If they needed money and I lent it to them, I always got paid back, and if I need some help, they are there for me. Everyone has their own lives, but we care for each other in ways that you wouldn’t expect from people you weren’t raised with or haven’t known all your life. My friends are my family, and although, like all people, we may disagree, we are never disagreeable to one another.
Work on having good friends, who will stick by you no matter what. To trust that you will always be listened to and never put down for what you are feeling, thinking, or doing is such a wonderful gift - just think of the money you will save in therapy bills. Your family of friends is there by your choice, and hopefully they are wholesome people who are there for you in a nonjudgmental way. For some people, friendships can be far closer than family relationships, because the baggage that comes with the latter can be so difficult.
Everyone wants to belong somewhere. That’s why young kids with no one at home end up bonding with gangs, just so they can feel they belong to something. We underestimate the value of connection. That pull can be so strong that it can even bring you into a world that is dangerous. If you have walked that path and decided to get out and make a real life for yourself, I commend you.
If you have chosen to remain alone because it is safer for you than being around people who could hurt you, that is understandable. For some people, living alone is easier than relating to other people, and that is okay.
Look at what is important to you and works best. Go slow at first. It may cause you some sadness when you take a hard look at what you need and want from life. Everyone has to find his or her own level of comfort when it comes to friends and family.


* Dr Barton Goldsmith, a psychotherapist in Westlake Village, California, is the author of The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time. Follow his daily insights on Twitter at @BartonGoldsmith, or e-mail him at Barton@bartongoldsmith.com