Would you like to heal from past hurts or horror? As you know all too well, this isn’t easy.
Who can forget childhood abuse, the pain of divorce, or a rape or robbery?
These incidents can cling to you like a nightmare for decades. After all, memories both good and bad help define who we are. They are part of our soul.
One man we know can’t drive by his old childhood home. “It reminds me of the arguing between my parents,” he told us. “It reminds me that divorce ended my happy little family when I was 16.”
Another woman we know, whom we’ll call Suzanne, can’t stand to hear the name “Cindy”. Suzanne told us that Cindy was the name of her husband’s mistress for over 20 years. When her daughter-in-law wanted to name her child Cynthia, Suzanne had to tell her the truth about Cindy.
While none of us can totally get over hurt and despair from the past, we can heal and move in the right direction by taking control.
These tips can help:
l Make a list of good things that resulted from your pain. For example, if your parents divorced when you were young, you might now have more discipline and drive than your co-workers.
lGo back and pick up the good memories. If you give up all of your memories, you’ll be leaving your good ones in the past. We encouraged our friend who couldn’t drive by his old house to start making a list of the good memories. Did the family have nice meals there? Did favourite relatives visit?
lKeep big goals in front of you. For example, if you’re trying to finish a college degree, it’s hard to find the time to think about that lover or spouse who cheated on you. You aren’t giving the pain as much room to haunt you, if you’re devoted to achievement.
l Take excellent care of yourself. By nurturing yourself, you will enable yourself to heal. If you were mistreated in the past or robbed of happiness, take time to rest, relax, and do many nice things for yourself.
“I think it’s important to get rid of certain people who are part of your past pain,” says a friend of ours we’ll call Kathy. “My ex-husband moved right down the street from me after our divorce. I had to move away to keep from thinking about him all the time. Nobody is made of stone.”
Kathy is right. We have to physically remove ourselves from certain people in order to stop thinking about them.
Do everything you can to protect yourself against repeat offences. If you keep thinking about past pain, ask, “Is there anything I can do to ensure this bad stuff doesn’t happen again?”
For instance, in some cases, you will need to install a security camera at your front door. Or, you might have to keep track of a hostile co-worker. Healing doesn’t mean totally letting your guard down.
You can let go of anything in your past you choose to let go of. But, by taking proactive steps to protect yourself from a repeated incident in the future, you can feel more relaxed.
We all can spend a lot of emotional energy if we’re truly worried a rape, robbery, or weird incident could happen again.
Try your best to spend time with people you trust. Having a support network is critical to moving forward. Surround yourself with people who care about what happens to you.

*Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at
www.usawellnesscafe.com. Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.