Do you have trouble getting along with your brother or sister?
Do you feel tension in the pit of your stomach just thinking about it?
While clashing is normal until teenage years, it’s a different ballgame when those years are over. Sibling rivalry is a hurtful situation as time goes on.
“I’m an expert when it comes to negotiating business deals,” says a man we’ll call Evan. “But, I can’t seem to work out a decent relationship with my brother. That hurts. Every time we’re together, it’s like mixing gasoline and fire.”
Evan, like millions of people, can’t figure out how the tension started. And, he can’t imagine how to fix it.
Psychologists say that sibling rivalry begins as competition for our parents’ attention. As kids, we each act out behaviours, however crazy or obnoxious, to get adult family members to notice us. It becomes a script that we continue to act out.
Children born close in years often have the worst sibling rivalry. Vying for Mom’s or Dad’s attention becomes an ongoing battle.
Jealousy among siblings can also result from one parent actually favouring a certain child. Or, if one child makes better grades or has a better personality, this can cause sibling conflict. Self-esteem issues start to enter the picture.
If you would like to cool the rivalry between yourself and a sibling, try these tactics:
lDownplay all differences. If you’re a doctor, and your brother is a carpenter, let him know that you respect him. Ask for his advice. Brag on him when you can.
lCreate equality when you’re together. If you live in a mansion and your sister doesn’t, ask her and her family to come stay at an affordable beach house with your family. At the beach house, your sister will feel more financially equal to you.
l Build common interests. All of your conversation should revolve around what you have in common, so look for ways to enjoy jazz music together or share cookbooks you both enjoy.
To cool tension between yourself and another person, use body language and a voice tone that says, “I care about you.”
Discussing past hurts is probably useless, since you cannot change the past. If you lower the tension naturally by building common ground, you can eventually talk about past pain.
“I really had a lot of apologising to do concerning my brother,” says a woman we’ll call Denise. “I was pretty mean to him growing up. When we started mending fences, I told him how sorry I was. Thankfully, he forgave me.”
Remember, too, that all sibling relationships are flawed. There are no “perfect:” relationships or perfect families. Don’t demand perfection of your siblings, and don’t look for underlying criticisms in their conversations.
“I’d been so mean to my brother,” says Denise, “that I looked for him to give me some cruel digs – which he did! But, when we started ironing things out, I knew he’d have to relearn how to talk around me. I let remarks go, and I stopped reacting to him. His meanness toward me mellowed into great love.”
Cutting off totally from siblings in adulthood is very common. Plenty of people will not communicate in any way with a sibling.
Total cutoff might work for a while, but having zero communication is really very stressful. Someone you have no relationship with will stay on your mind a lot.
Try to have a “small” relationship with a sibling, regardless of feelings. Sending a greeting card on special occasions or talking by phone once a year is better than total cutoff.

*Judi Light Hopson is the executive director of the stress management website USA Wellness Cafe at www.usawellnesscafe.com Emma Hopson is an author and a nurse educator. Ted Hagen is a family psychologist.